Deep in the Heart of the Sales: Scoop NYC

We went to one of the big department stores yesterday , which was appropriately tricked out with loads of sale items. Everything, everywhere, on sale, except for things we'd actually like to buy, like a Mulberry bag or non-ugly piece of clothing. Then we found the beauty department, and a reasonably half-price Ole Henriksen Spa Body Kit. But it was missing one of the bottles, so we went to our nearest store representative and asked if they had another one. "We don't handle that," she said. And then she gave us a dirty flyer with lipstick prints on it (like, actual lipstick, like someone used it to blot) about some product line we had no interest in. Long story short: We hate the sales, and sometimes amenable monkeys, paid, perhaps, with bananas and peanut butter, would be better at customer service than bitter, tired human beings.

We are doing all of our sale shopping online. We are starting with Scoop. They arrange their sale stuff by category, so here are our picks for each:


Handbags: This Marc Jacobs Kate bag is fall 04 but seriously, we don't want to hang with anybody who'd make fun of a fall 04 bag, because that would mean they were lame assholes. Also available in black, turquoise, and a purple.


Jackets: There's something super L Word about this DVF velvet jacket, but like 2(x)ist underwear for men, that's no reason people of all sexual orientations shouldn't enjoy it. Did we mention we have a cold? Maybe that's why that sentence is so fucked up. $465 marked down to $249


Sexy Tops: This is the most ultra-basic item that could qualify as a "Sexy Top." It's the kind of shirt we'll forget at our dry cleaner's because it's not so spectacular, but then we'd be so sad that we didn't have it anymore. Sometimes we just don't appreciate lovely, subtle things, like this Velvet top. $75 to $39, also in black and rose


Dresses: We didn't think any of Scoop's dresses were particularly spectacular, but we kind of liked this 12th Street by Cynthia Vincent sequin dress. That is all. $248 to $139


Sweaters: Also by 12th Street, this oversized ... they're calling it a "Sweater Vest," though we don't really know where the vest part comes into it. And the fabric is part cashmere, part metallic (what, spoons? Don't get that either.) But with a little tank top it'd be excellent and summer-night appropriate. $275 to $159


Shoes: With the right dress, these Marc by Marc Jacobs knee boots would be a totally mod dream. $680 to $329.


These velvet pants from Joie are hysterical. $195 to $99

The Return of Marimekko

We have no idea what is wrong with us, but we've lately been seized by this obsession with Marimekko, that Finnish design company with those ubiquitous flower prints (see below). We're thinking we might even want to buy one of these limited edition Marjat-print totes for $62 (above). Or a $35 Unikko clutch, below. It's like we're drunk on the early ’90s. We know how this is going to end: puking on ourselves at the nearest Laura Ashley boutique. God help us.

Lindsay Lohan in Elle

Three facts uncovered from our leisurely reading of the July Elle:
1: Elle is an excellent magazine and Holly Millea is a brilliant writer
2: Lindsay Lohan has three dogs, named Chloe, Polo, and Gucci. Those poor fucking dogs.
3: With the teased hair and 0% body fat, the cover shot looks like it's taken from that nauseating Steve Madden anorexic-shoe-lover campaign



Final judgment: Buy Elle. Read Holly Millea. Give dogs healthy names like Rex, Fido, and Mr. Mouse, not Burberry, Lanvin, or Paris. Steve Madden's new ads are funny, not pathetic.

Men from Milan: Prada

See, on the other hand, Miuccia Prada makes hearts and stars strangely masculine. Right?


Hearts, stars, broad-shouldered young men in rolled-up sleeves ... Miuccia's just a few sickles away from the Soviet propaganda ideal.

From the Men's Shows: Dolce & Gabbana

In the subset of men who are Mormons, heterosexual, and fans of lip gloss, there is only one man, and that is Brandon Flowers. Ten bucks says "Andy You're a Star," which is totally a high school jock's bi-curious anthem, was playing when this Dolce and Gabbana look hit the catwalk.

Elizabeth Hurley on "Project Runway." Er, "Catwalk."

Er, we seriously did not intend for that to become a three-day weekend. Before we get back up to speed — with regular coverage interrupted by a sudden and spectacular ant infestation, caused no doubt by those yuppies next door and their brownstone renovation — we would like to announce that: Elizabeth Hurley is going to host the British Project Runway, except it will be called Project Catwalk and star Hurley instead of Heidi Klum. We wish we had snarky things to say about her, but the fact is she is so goddamn boring we can't think of anything. Dated Hugh Grant? Bleh. Had a baby with Steve Bing? Derr. Marrying some Indian tycoon? For the love of God, we cannot make ourselves give a shit. Why is this woman in magazines?

Our New Favorite Designer: Jessica Ciarla

We're too old for proms. Maybe when we have children, in 1000 years, we will see them off to the prom and dress up as prom-gear to, you know, get in the spirit. We have, however, been hearing about adult-only hipster proms in Williamsburg and Los Feliz, and if we were invited to one of those (or if we are scary mom-type in prom dress) we would absolutely, positively wear Jessica Ciarla, our new (as noted) favorite fashion designer. In fact, they're really not so much prom as mod, and we have always wanted to be a mod ’60s London girl and date Mick Jagger, but only 1968-vintage Mick Jagger, when he was hot.

Once, no kidding, we went to an auction at Sotheby's, where a friend of ours, a TV producer, was taping an episode of The Apprentice. It was black tie. Nobody told us. We wore jeans. But we had on the nicest vintage coat, that cost us $50, and all these rich people said nice things about it. So we felt like a big winner, that night, but a really poor big winner. If we had money, we would have worn Ciarla's Tuxedo Ballgown, above, $650. And then we wouldn't have felt all poor and Brooklyn-y and v. Eliza Doolittle-ish. Because they went home and ate lobster and foie gras on their waterbeds. We went home and ate Stouffer's Turkey Tetrazzini on the floor of our apartment.


We love the silhouette of this dress: See, instant waist! Black Satin Mini Dress, $430


Same silhouette, so mod. And even though it looks like a cut-up of a gray sweatsuit it's actually Italian wool with pink silk trim. And how nice, that neckline. Very Audrey Hepburn in 2005 colors. Mini Dress, $395


And finally, the tulle wonder. V Carrie Bradshaw, but it'd still be fun to wear. Just the skirt, $275

The Most Traumatic Shower of Our Lives

We hate our bathroom: It's small and slippery, and once stepping out of it we slipped all the way into our living room in this spectacular freefall, the closest we've ever come to suffering some type of completely ignoble Bridget Jones-type Singleton death, where dogs nibble at your body. So we shower at yoga, where it is non-slippery, and, crucially, they have free dispensers of fancy shower gel. So we were in the shower after yoga today — the worst yoga class ever, one of those retarded ones where they make you basically cuddle with a stranger — and we are literally in the shower when we realize there is no soap, as there usually is. So we went to the other shower stall, where there was a soap dispenser, and we're wiggling it out of the wall holder when some naked ridiculous girl says, "Don't do that. They're going to fix it. Just pump out some soap and take it back with you." Nevermind that this naked interloper wanted us to walk 15 feet across a room with a puddle of shower gel in our palm — she is scolding us, naked, this shower stall disciplinarian. Readers, we have never wanted to gouge someone's eyes out as badly as we did that moment. Because if you're going to scold us, wait til we have some goddamn clothes on.

Moral? Bring your own shower gel. Molton Brown's Warming Eucalyptus Bath and Shower Therapy, $25

Oprah - Hermes Update

Page Six reports this morning that Hermes has offered our Oprah a rather unenthusiastic apology, blaming the staff's boutique-barring on "a PR event being set up inside." Quandary: Does this mean we should buy more, or less, counterfeit Hermes?

One Exceptionally Quick Present-Giving Suggestion

This would be one of those presents we buy but do not give. Like this nice box of Fresh stuff, which we bought for our friend's wedding shower three years and tragically, pathetically, have failed to actually give to her. Why do people invite us anywhere? But: Wouldn't it be nice to have people over for cookies, and then show them this tremendous bunny cookie jar? Even better, they're limited edition, so it's not like they're going to show up at Crate and Barrel or anything. And they're designed by an actual artist, Momoyo Torimitsu, who's revamped her bunny art (below) into cookie-jar form. Er, not much of a stretch there, really. $100 from Cereal Art

Our Oversized-Bead-Free Guide to Summer Jewelry

Now that summer is officially here — yay yay yay yay — we are willing to move on from the spring trends we hate. Like: Wedges. They're everywhere, like rats and ticks. They're a summer plague. We know this is a reversal from our earlier position, but the more we see them, the more we realize that they look ridiculous. They're a walking billboard. They say, "I read that wedges are v trendy, and I have enough money to spend on them." It's like buying a fashion pass. We hate them. We won't be fooled. They make us feel like Esprit made us feel when we were in seventh grade, like if you wore an Esprit shirt, the popular girls would be nice to you. Which was, really, true. Wedges are the adult equivalent of middle-school torture devices.

How did we start talking about wedges? Oversized beads, right. We're so tired of them, especially the retardly priced version from Saks with kukui nut beads. Buying them from Saks is like saysing "I read that oversized beads are v trendy, and I have so much money I'm going to give a shitload of money for something that costs $7 and in many places in the world literally fall from the trees."

So for our summer jewelry, we're thinking v crafty, v light, v delicate. No heavy beads, no retarded Saks bill. Better, right?


Sarah McGuire's jewelry is the aesthetic opposite of oversized beads. It's like walking out of a Jessica Simpson concert and into ... oh, we don't know, maybe the new Aimee Mann album, or Rilo Kiley. Spare and elegant and a little bit cutting. Metaphors ... love them. The $138 "braille choker" is the "layering piece" (as p45.com describes it) we've always wanted and tried to approximate with hideous substitutes from Abercrombie and Fitch. We also like the simple silver earrings ($88).


This was omitted from our column on White Trash Charms, but it was our favorite! So we wanted to bring it back. "Afro Mudflap Girl," from %75 - $337.50.


These are from Tatty Devine's Alpine collection. The pictures are lousy, but we would love to have a wood goat brooch ($40), or a cuckoo clock ($63). Very Swiss, alpine meadow and all that, and believe us, we could use a little alpine meadow in our lives right now.


Stuart England's 18K gold necklaces, we think, are the 21st century spin on that Carrie nameplate worn throughout Sex and the City: These, like the ’00s versus the ’90s, are a little more modern, a little rawer, a little more honest. (Mmm .... metaphors.) They're also extremely freaking expensive: Choose your initial (or the heart) and make $658 worth of room on your credit card.


We've already written of our love for Bing Bang. This would be so nice with any summer dress. No more to add. Are you listening to woxy.com?


Handmade in Austin. We love Austin. We used to get our hair cut there at Pink on South Congress, which turned into a huge disaster since we live in New York City and only went through Austin once a year, when we were driving to LA. We highly recommend Pink. If you need a haircut in Austin, call them at (512) 447-2888. Farrah's the one you want. What were we saying about Austin? Ah, Kristin Laing, jewelry designer. Apparently very Japan-influenced. We like this "Aster Necklace," $55.


We finish up with this locket necklace from Servane Gaxotte from Mint. We actually like her charm bracelets even more, but we're saving them for next week. That locket works — perfect for hiding tiny keys, or pepper.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Convertible Dressing

Two for one: Traditionally, we're suspicious of two for one, because it usually means two for crap. Our favorite exception is two-for-one Diet Cokes: Now that is a deal we never pass up. So it is with our usual skepticism that we approached this mini-trend of "convertible" dressing: Should a skirt not just be a skirt?

However, we found ourselves enraptured, as usual, by the endless loop of videotape demonstrating the winding and rewinding of American Apparel's Sheer Jersey Scarf ($15). Scarf, wrap, skirt, tube top: This scarf can do it all. Plus, you can see the video online once you get home and realize you can't twist your Sheer Jersey Scarf into anything but a Sheer Jersey Scarf. Plus plus, the video has the same homemade-porn aesthetic that's made AA such an international appareal player. It's like a four-for-one.


Sweetees' cotton is so nice: so thin you'll inevitably get tiny holes in it after owning it for two or three weeks, days, whatever, but soft as satin, holes or no holes. With their Emily dress ($74 from Label LA), you can choose between double-layer tube top\dress or tube dress with ruched waistband. We're as suspicious of waistbands as we are of two-for-one deals: It's like saying, "Look at my goddamn, doughnut-filled stomach!" But with such thin fabric, maybe it won't be so obvious.


Finally, the convertible dress from Butter by Nadia, at Girlshop for $230. Nadia is apparently an ex-dancer (we read this online, so who the fuck knows if that's true or not) so expect fluid, dancer-y things, likely very appropriate for wearing with our La Voleuse ballet shoes.

Ju$t Another Rich Kid's Iron Maiden T-Shirts

Do you love ... a boy? Who lives, perhaps ... in Williamsburg? And does he, occasionally, celebrate his birth? Girls who love boys who think they are hipsters face an annual gift-buying crisis: What does the hipster want? He already has his Smiths albums, and his vintage clothing, and he still has eight issues left on his subscription to Vice. May we suggest: Ju$t Another Rich Kid's Iron Maiden World Tour t-shirt. First of all, it's heavy metal, which terrified him in middle school but he can now, with suitable irony and distance, enjoy. For God's sake, it looks like they plucked the t-shirt model off the L train. Plus, it's limited edition, and we all know hipsters love little more than having something their other hipsters don't. $55

Oprah says "Merde" and We Say, Two Fingers Up to Hermes

Those French cows: Hermes blocks Oprah's entrance to their Parisian boutique, says Page Six, because the store had been "having a problem with North Africans lately." People, she could have bought your entire country with her pocket change.

White Trash Charms

Since their "Team Aniston" and "Team Jolie" t-shirts are on back-order until Saturday, we're left to enjoy White Trash Charms' other products — namely, the charms themselves, which the website goes at great, endless, repetitive lengths to make clear have been worn by everyone from Justin Timberlake to Janet Jackson. (Now there's a curious combination.) But they are still cool, in a Eurotrash stylist-hip hop star sort of way, though we're a little over the hair pick design (worn by Eve! Britney Murphy! Pink!).

We do like, from left to right, roughly, the trophy chick necklace ($110 for gold vermeil), the "Hard Core" apple irony necklace ($50), and the crushed Budweiser necklace ($255 for gold vermeil).


Plus, we really like the Wonka-ready Gold Ticket charm necklace, as we are so freaking excited about the new movie. $97 or $187, depending if your appetite is Charlie-sized or Veruca Salt-sized. Speaking of: How funny is it that Violet Beauregard's mom is wearing what appears to be a Juicy Couture tracksuit in this picture from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

Somebody Had to Do It

In London's Evening Standard newspaper: "Katie Says Yes in Gay Paree." Subtle, much?


Moving on: Did you think her dress for the Batman Begins premiere was kind of ugly? We did. Blame Indian designer Ritu Beri, who told the Hindustan Times that "I thought anything that is too ethnic — a sari for instance — wouldn't suit the occasion. So I kept the elements of ethnicity out of my creations this time." Nice way to sublimate your cultural identity! But hey, we'd let our monkey play an organ anyday, right along with our spaghetti and meatballs and our Sopranos DVDs.

Dresses to Wear to Weddings, If We Must

What we love about summer: Everything. But. The. Goddamn. Weddings. We read in the New York Times today that 40% of all marriages end in divorce. A wedding invitation? It's a bill with a nicer paper stock. A bill for things you will not enjoy, unless your idea of enjoyment is a hotel room in the middle of Rhode Island, or the rental car you needed because trains do not, apparently, serve the middle of Rhode Island, or a present you will give to someone else. In a year. Because etiquette says that's okay, and we would rather spend the money, in the short term, on Diet Coke and Wheat Thins.

Bitter. We are so, so bitter. But this is what happens when you've already attended three weddings that last ushered in marriages that lasted less than a year. We say: Get married, and have the wedding a year later. Now that would be something to celebrate.

Unfortunately, we're not going to say no to a wedding invitation, because as bitter as we are, we've always had a soft spot for buffet dinners. And as they apparently demand a wardrobe better than denim (though what is really better than denim, we don't know), our selection of (mostly) floral halter-top dresses, perfectly suitable for your casual summer wedding.

As well as being festive wedding wear, this $360 BCBG rainbow halter would be the perfect, thematically-appropriate thing to wear to the Gay Pride Parade. Let us note here that during last year's parade, we made the piss-poor decision of attempting to go into Manhattan to retrieve some cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery, and ran smack into the packed sidewalks of people watching it. And in order to get to the cupcakes, we had to push our way through the crowd. All we're saying about that is that we were forced to brush against a sweaty man wearing nothing but a leather thong, and it took us blocks to find a packet of those antiseptic hand wipes.


We love Eva Franco dresses — so much that we took the time to put in the coding so that we'd italicize "love." A new crop of them just landed at bluefly, and this was our favorite — only $129!


We're so opposed to idea of Princess von Furstenberg whatever that we occasionally find ourselves overlooking her very nice dresses, including this one. $298


This very cool halter dress is from one of our very favorite online stores, Satine. It's Desanka, and, as they say, it's a little bit halter, and a little bit goddess, if goddess involved that nice kelly green color. $436


And finally, Pucci for people who can't afford Pucci, this Laundry halter dress takes care of your print fix on a budget. $215

Design Can Mirrors

There's only one mirror in our apartment, which is in our bathroom, above the sink, which means to see any below-chest section of our body, we need to stand on the toilet. Obviously, this situation cannot stand, which is why we went to go buy our very first mirror. We were going to cheese out and buy this perfectly nice one from Anthropologie (below) — but then we discovered these clever ones from The Design Can. How could we pass up a mirror with a hawk on it?


Alternately you can go the safe-but-boring route with the $125 etched mirorr from Anthro. Pussy.

The Short, Unhappy Life of Our Story on Rompers

First, we saw this picture of a Society for Rational Dress romper in the Village Voice, and since we're obsessed with SFRD, we think: Wow, we should really do a story on rompers — rompers, jumpsuits with shorts, whatever. Because that is pretty cool.

Next, we looked all over the Web for a place to buy the SFRD romper, which was impossible. We're thinking, whatever, we'll revisit.


Then we stumble over this $95 yellow C. Ronson romper, which seems okay, if you are going to a pool party and are not one day over the age of 13 or under the age of 12 and there is not a single male adult anywhere in the vicinity. So, we think, we'll do the romper story.

So we start searching under "romper" and what do we find? This. Like that CSI episode about the man who was killed while wearing a diaper. Ickickickickick.

We gave it one last chance and searched under "fashion romper." This is what we found next:



Honestly, we don't know which was more disgusting, this or the adult baby playpen.

Silver romper, $74.95

Discuss.

Are these ultra-strappy boots from L.A. label Society for Rational Dress the new Uggs? If so: We must buy them now, before Kate Moss wears them and we hate them.

Ballet Shoes: A Tribute to La Voleuse, and More

La Voleuse must be the coolest independent label on the planet. Their hand-painted shoes were cool enough — but now you can order custom versions, with your choice of shoe color, design, and — the best part — song lyric of your choice. So if for some reason you're not down with the Smiths ("Sweetness I was only joking") or Dolly Parton ("Pour yourself a cup of ambition"), you could supply your own verse — say, Maroon 5. Or not. It's up to you. And it's only $111 dollars, including shipping. A more than reasonable selection.

Following, our roundtop of other ballet shoes we like almost, but not as much, as La Voleuse:


These Sigerson Morrisons are totally boring and prim and exactly the ones we'd wear every single day of the week. Also available in a very ballet-ish pink. $365


Someday we're going to be sick of [Marc by] Marc Jacobs shoes, but today is not that day. Purple velvet ballet slippers. It's what you expect the actors in those annoying NY Times commercials are wearing. Something that goes with expensive denim and smugness. $200


These Hollywould ballet slippers have an ankle ribbon, and they're probably even better in the gold version. Where were these when SJP was filming the SATC episodes with the Russian? $215


Tsumori Chisato is one of those hyper-cool Japanese designers that Gwen Stefani creams herself over. That girl has a lot of style, but we fucking hate that "Hollaback Girl" song. So: support Tsumori Chisato. Burn "Hollaback Girl." Black leather flat with scalloped toe, $295


These Anthropologie Lucky Penny Flats are a little tweak of ballet slippers and look a little more substantial. Plus, there's a little bit of a heel, always a bonus for a munchkin and for avoiding nasty city puddles. $395

Every Girl Needs a Chandelier

We love few things more than going to the Home Depot store under the BQE and buying a gallon of paint. We have started to paint many rooms, and succeeded in finishing none of them. Our ex-roommates really loved this, especially when we tried to paint the living room without a ladder, leaving a two-foot band around the tops of the walls undone. Then our friend Amie suggested we pay a painter. She bought paint, gave the painter $60, and then she had nice, new walls. We bought the paint, spent $60 on magazines and chocolate, and had pissed off roommates.

This is just to say hiring (cheap) professionals is a good thing, and possibly all that's standing between us and a chandelier, which we really, really want. Mostly because the one our apartment came with cost like $15 and is constantly threatening to fall on top of our head while we're doign something innocent, like watching The Bourne Identity on Cinemax, and it's going to fall and kill us and by the time the police come, it'll be late enough that there's Skinemax on the TV and the newspaper headlines will be about a girl killed by her piss-poor chandelier while watching porn. Summary: Chandeliers, good. Professional help, good. Skinemax, bad.

Our favorite, the Belle Chandelier, for $1400. We're sure we can defer those student loans a few more years.


This is a total masterpiece. Maybe we could buy this instead of a car, or a house. Rody Grauman's "85 Lamps," from mossonline.com, $2090. Don't worry, they get cheaper.


The Norm 69 from Conran is so right for the ski chalet we will one day own. $145


Another Tord Boontje favorite: his Midsummer lighting thing. Is it a chandelier? A garland? We have no idea. Still love it. $75


We could live without the electric candles in the middle — cheesy, forever cheesy — but we're down with the Murano glass fruit trinkets. It's like a charm bracelet in chandelier form. The Venetian Fruit Glass Chandelier, $1000


A swell, budget entry from Urban. If it's anything like the unravelling t-shirt we just bought a few weeks ago, those pieces are going to start dropping to the floor, but we'll enjoy it while it lasts. Though it fails the Skinemax-protection issue. The Two-Toned Beaded Brass Chandelier, $98

Jessica Simpson in "These Boots are Made for Walking"

It's not too late to enter our Jessica Simpson Celebrity Marriage Death Pool — but it will be soon, according to Bam Maghera's ex-girlfriend. Seriously, doesn't this seem like one of those marriages from the ’50s where they hate each other and sleep in different beds? But instead of adult-onset virginity for the kids' sake, here they're staying in it for the MTV Movie Awards, and the wife gets to sleep with whoever she wants?

Boho Chic Survival Guide: The Least Horrendous Tiered Skirts

In the future — say, summer 2006 — we'll look back at all our pictures of barbecues and swim meets and outdoor weddings, and say to ourselves, "Why am I wearing such a hideous outfit? Why do I look like that actress whose name I can't entirely remember, but was something like Sierra Madre? Why do I look like such a goddamn hippie?"

Of course, hindsight is 20/20, which means we won't rue our boho chic looks until, say, August. But between now and then, it's a case of lemonade from lemons, and we begin with that central element of the boho chic look, the tiered skirt.

The unformed tiered skirt is a monster: designed almost specifically to add found where there is only billows of air, usually coming to rest midway down the shin for maximal frame-shortening. There are a few — very few, like Canadian diamonds or Hilton family members who can live on with dignity — tiered skirts that are not heinous. These are they.

1. We begin with Urban Outfitter's Lux Tiered Prairie Skirt in chocolate, $68. This is the epitome of the fat hippie look, with tons of tiers and lots of billowing, but it's still cute if (a) you are very skinny and (b) you pair it with the smallest tank top you can find. One size fits all. See, not really, and that's why it's for fat hippies. Suitable for: Hackey sack on beach followed by bonfire and being escorted from beach by irate police officers.


2. This Downpour Skirt from Anthropologie is very Little House on the Prairie, except the prairie is an East Hampton organic farmer's market and you're driving a Land Rover. $88


3. At least this Vince Poplin Beach skirt. Did you know Vince is one of Madonna's favorite labels? Just writing that, we felt irrelevant. Argh. $120


4. We know — it looks totally boring. But so are our Gap Long and Leans and we wear them every day. Have we mentioned we worked for the Gap? Er, Gap Kids. Once we told a mom she would only have to wash the jeans once a week, and she walked out. Because she thought that was gross. Ten bucks says she's popping Valium and ogling the pool boy and "totally relates" to Desperate Housewives. $58, and also available in less-boring chartreuse and strawberry


5. We love it when Banana Republic gives their clothing inappropriately exotic names. Like, this is the Tiered Flamenco Skirt. Really, it should be called the Fancy Skirt Worn to TGIFriday's Bars on Friday Nights in Suburban Chicago. The color's nice, though. $108


6. We have no idea why Girlshop decided to show this Betsey Johnson skirt on a matching background, but if you look closely, you'll see how clever it is. It looks like a skirt for a paper doll. But in silk. Cynthia Steffe Lace Tiered Skirt, $220

Angelina Jolie on the cover of Marie Claire

When we were seven years old, we had an overnight Girl Scout trip to the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia, and our leader (who also happened to be our mother) had the idea to outfit all 15 of us in matching green fluourescent sweatshirts, so she could stop maurading scouts and corral them from a distance. These sweatshirts would have shown up on Soviet spy satellites, so hideously, electrically green they were — in fact, they were just about the color of the new Marie Claire cover.

First, we thought, that is a really heinous color combination, fluourescent pea green and that magenta-pink — but maybe they needed to work with the light-lime green dress on Angelina Jolie in a creative way. Then we saw the (relatively) untouched Marie Claire UK cover, which is the same shot without the Photoshop color-control on the dress. So they colored the dress to go along with the heinous color combination? Err ... whatever. Maybe the "Prostitution Gives Me Power" story will make up for it.

In any case, we felt a little bad for Gilles Mendel, whose J. Mendel dress she's wearing. If you were "the furrier to the young and fabulous," would you want Marie Claire turning your dress green? Well, we wouldn't, but who knows, maybe he was there with a bucket and some green Manic Panic dye.

By the way, in a world where even the hottest woman on the planet needs to be Photoshopped, no wonder there is a market for (a) eating disorder camps, (b) therapists, and (c) Botox. Seriously. The average woman isn't even comparing herself to Angelina Jolie. She's comparing herself to an android. She might as well be comparing herself to the tooth fairy, because neither the tooth fairy nor the woman on the cover of this magazine actually exist. God.


We will content ourselves with the UK Marie Claire cover and these nice pictures of J. Mendel's fall fur pieces from style.com. We don't think we need to come up with a policy on fur until we have collected enough waitressing tips to be able to afford that bubble coat. Otherwise, you can find a J. Mendel boutique at Bergdorf Goodman or buy a "J. MENDEL Shaved MINK Top/Vest OUTRAGEOUS wOw" on eBay for $1250.

Stop What You're Doing and...

Get over to style.com for the rest of Steven Klein's irony-defying W shoot with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Please, please let them reproduce. It'll be like a living genetics class.

Sale of the Weekend: Marc Jacobs' Marin Bag

We have no idea why Scoop used the same model in this naff gray turtleneck for all their handbag sale shots, but there it is. The lovely Marin bag by Marc Jacobs, on sale from $1200 to $799, which is a lot of money to spend on a bag, but a sale nonetheless. Suede. The thing to do is put it in the closet, wait until October and then — surprise! Early Christmas presents, for yourself. Delightful!

The Easiest Solution for June's Gift Buying Annoyances

We know we are not the only ones to ever think, Enough, enough with all these gift-buying events! Enough with the graduations, the engagement parties, the bridal showers, the bachelorette parties, the weddings — that's four times at the trough — the June birthdays, the apartment-warmings. We'll let Father's Day go for the moment, but the question remains: Where are we supposed to find this endless source of presents, as well as the financial means to support our annoying friends doing annoying things, like graduating from educational programs, marking the anniversaries of their births, and entering into legally binding relationships?


The answer is Knock-Knock. We're usually "sorted," as they say, for cards, sucking at the teat of Elum Designs, metaphorically speaking. But what do you send your 18-year-old cousin when she graduates from a high school in a part of the country you have never actually seen but on nature documentaries? You don't send her a social note. You send her a "Mad Props" banner greeting from Knock Knock. $6


And for the apartment changer? Who changes apartments every year, and always throws a party, and that party is always bad, but instead of bringing beer you bring the cheapest, nicest present you can find? And then you leave the present in the bag you brought it in, take it home, and enjoy it yourself, because why should you encourage the practice of serial apartment changing? Yeah, that's how we feel about Knock Knock's take-out menu organizer. Particularly helpful for people (like us) who keep their three forks in the sink and three dozen take-out menus in the silverware drawer. $27.95


And for obsessive-compulsive list-makers, there could be no better (inexpensive) gift than a Knock-Knock pad. We particularly like the Things You Must Do To Make Me Happy, $6.75, and the Admirer telephone message pad, $4.25.


You know what's #10 on our list of 100 things to do in our lifetime? Make a stained-glass lamp. That's a great one. We are never going to do that. But we might have, if we'd just owned one of these exceptionally nifty Resolution Tracking System. We still wouldn't have made the stained-glass lamp, but at least our failure would have been more fully documented. $14.95


And you've probably seen this one all over the pages of Real Simple, so we'll just briefly say that Knock Knock's Personal Library Kit is OCD nirvana for grumpy book-lenders.

The Most Summery Summer Fragrances

1. Demeter's Most Summerific Fragrances: Orange Cream Pop, "Summer Vacation," and Sex on the Beach — South Beach
Note: It was ridiculously difficult to find images of our favorite summer ones, like Wet Garden, Sugar Cookie, and Dirt, all of which are $18 and can be found here.
Really smells like: As advertised, unbelievably. For about fifteen minutes, unfortunately.
Ideally worn on: Anyone who doesn't like to spend more than an hour's salary on perfume.
Available at: Sephora, $10-$18


2. Bobbi Brown Beach Body Oil
Note: Okay, it's not strictly a fragrance, but it's a fragranced oil, and that's practically the same thing. Plus: slippery!
Advertised scent: Sand jasmine, sea spray, and mandarin
Really smells like: The interior of a beach house clothes dryer after you just dried all the towels. Plus, an orange
Ideally worn on: The possibly pregnant Jennifer Lopez hiding from the National Enquirer in Saint Tropez
Available at: Gloss, $28


3. Jo Malone's Honeysuckle and Jasmine Cologne
Advertised scent: Honeysuckle, jasmine, and sandalwood
What it really smells like: The inside of an English movie, set in a meadow and with lots of swooning lovers and gardens
Ideally worn on: Keira Knightley before she signed up to play a machine-gun firing American bounty hunter
Available at: Gloss, $80 for 100ml


4. Sugar by Fresh
Note: This is a Bunnyshop absolute favorite
Advertised scent: Bergamot, Brazilian sweet oranges, white lily, caramel and vanilla. As they say, "Flirtatious florals such as white lily give in and give way to the succulent embrace of caramel and vanilla." Question: Why do they have to be such douchebags about? God.
What it really smells like: Heaven (projected)
Ideally worn on: Everyone


5. Sicilian Almond Eau de Toilette from Acqua di Parma
Advertised scent: Star anise, green almond, bergamot, jasmine, and white peach.
What it really smells like: The interior of a housewares store in East Hampton
Ideally worn on: Monica Bellucci, while visiting Dolce and Gabbana's Sicilian island
Available at: Neiman Marcus, $57 for 2 oz.

The Bunnyshop Make-Up Packaging Awards

God knows there should be more awards. Like awards for paying your credit card bills late, or, say, scratching Netflix DVDs and then reporting them as lost. You know, rewards for being a dipshit. Those are the rewards we would win. But if you can't receive rewards (all we seem to receive for said behavior are late fees and strained relations with the nation's biggest DVD rental service), we say, give rewards. So we're giving prizes today for our favorite make-up packaging. This is a totally arbitrary process but really not much less arbitrary than what makes it on to, oh, the front page of most newspapers or the six o'clock news, which, by the way, last night led with a story on the rise of car-blockading deer population.


We know nothing about Paul & Joe "Beaute", possibly because their website appears to be written mostly in Korean, despite the fact that the creator Sophie Albou certainly looks non-Korean to us. At very top, the Parisian Sunshine Collection Face Color Powder in Magnolia Forever, Tulipe Gale and Trefle Porte-Bonheur, $18 each and the Parisian Sunshine Collection Lipstick in Rosee du Matin, French Cancan, and Poisson d'Avril. Immediately above, two versions of blotting papers, in limited edition and non-limited edition versions, both $24.


Moving on: Even if their candles suck, Fresh makes the most beautiful little compacts, with these terrific drawings on them. Left to right, the Here Comes the Sun face palette, $45; the Carnivale Eye Shadow palette, $48; and the Burnished Earth Eye Shadow palette, $59.


And C.O. Bigelow has the nicest retro labels around. This is their: triple rose water, $25. Fragrance-free, which we thought would have defeated the purpose of rose water, but apparently not. Next, the Rose Wonder Cold Cream, $16. We didn't think cold creams existed anymore, but we also thought Katie Holmes was a B-list actress we'd never have to hear from after Dawson's Creek. The world is topsy-turvy. And finally, the Rose Salve, $7, for adorable packaging on a budget. Plus, like, something to do with emulsifying rose extract, blah blah.

Projected Advance Copy of Kate Moss's CFDA Speech Tonight

Thank you (hiccup) very much. (Gurgle, champagne.) Am top model. (Gurgle.) Where's my baby? (Hiccup.) I love my crackhead boyfriend. (Hiccup, gurgle.) That Sienna, she's a fat cow, she is. Am top model! (Champagne, hiccup.) Wheeee!

David Bowie presents Kate Moss with the Council of Fashion Designers of America's "Award for Fashion Influence" tonight at the New York Public Library.

Sale of the Morning: J. Crew's Swimwear Department

We have no idea what happened: One minute we were trying to figure out if three-year-old sunscreen can actually be used to prevent sunburn, the next we're seeing the word "fall" all over our favorite shopping sites. Our favorite fall preview is going on right now at net-a-porter, where you can actually sign up for an e-mail when their "fall must-haves" show up, like Missoni's swish new obi belts or the beautiful new Chloe Paddington handbag ("now with shoulder strap," they helpfully add.)

That, however, is the last time you are going to hear that cursed, miserable word ("f***") on this blog, because, as they say, we've been waiting all year for summer, and we're not about to give up on it the first full week of June. We will, however, take full advantage of all the summer sales that have currently cropped up. We have three solid months left of warm-weather wear, and then, we swear to God, we're going to Key West \ California \ the Southern Hemisphere or somewhere else it never gets cold.

This morning's sale: pretty much the entirety of J. Crew's swimwear department. From top: the seersucker French top, $36 down to $25.20; the jungle palm banded halter top, $38 down to $26.60; the eyelet string top, $44 to $30.80; the paradise floral string halter top, $36 to $25.20; and the yellow string top, $32 to $19.99. The appropriate bottoms can be found here.

Salute to: Victoria Beckham and her U.S. Tour

It's so interesting the way not everything translates from British English to American English, right? Picture: a big advertisement for some sort of deodorant (I think), hung above a London street. On it is an image of granny-type cotton underpants. The text reads "I've pulled!" Now, to an American, what the fuck does that mean? This bothered us for weeks. I've pulled? A wedgie? That was our only, and best guess, until someone explained to us that "I've pulled" means "I've picked up a guy, and I'm probably going to go home and have sex with him." Ergo, the deodorant, needed to combat the anxiety that will arise from wearing granny pants to an impromptu hook-up.

Which brings us to Posh Spice. She means one thing in Britain (ongoing tabloid cover girl, "Beckingham Palace," etc.) and another thing in America (the white, brunette Spice Girl who wasn't the lesbian-y one). Which is why, perhaps, she's appearing today at celebrity-favorite boutique Kitson tomorrow, June 4. Somtimes Kitson makes us want to barf — like when we hear Paris Hilton talk about how it's her favorite shop — but if we can deal with the "pH factor" [cough] [trademark Bunnyshop], we will enjoy Kitson's selection of witty t-shirts and accessories.


Sometimes we just want to weep for Jennifer Aniston. White trash "Team Jolie" or "Team Aniston" tees, $30


We're kind of peaking on the metallic hobo thing, but this one is as close to perfect as we've seen. Mesh hobo bag, $148


Seriously, this kukui nut bead thing is killing us. If, for some reason, you would prefer not to buy them at Hawaii's ABC Stores website for $6.99, please go ahead and buy them at Kitson for $68.


When we spend over $20 on a fragrance-supplying candle, we like that candle to supply fragrance. That is why we will never again buy the $45 Fresh candle in Sugar, even though their Sugar perfume is an all-time favorite. That is also why we buy Votivos in bulk — especially the ubiquitous red currant, plus the vanilla and the cinnamon, all $20.


We have no idea how our yoga studio can put Molton Brown shower gels in the showers, but we love it. Kind of like how when we had a membership at Chelsea Piers' Sportscenter, we just stopped buying shampoo and would wash our hair with the free Origins stuff at the gym. Lovely! That's the Energizing Seamoss Bath and Shower gel, $23; the Heavenly Ginger Bath and Shower gel, $27; and the Re-Charge Black Pepper Body Wash, $23

P.S. Meet Victoria Beckham — who pulled the most-wanted guy in England, if by "guy" we mean "multi-millionaire, sort of monosyllabic but still cute soccer star," at Kitson, Saturday, June 4, from noon to 2 p.m.

Non-Thong of the Morning: Jimmy Choo

The thong of the morning is not, in fact, a thong, because we just couldn't find any more that we actually liked. And by "liked," we mean, "thought was anything but totally disgusting." So instead we will give this space to the most beautiful (if non-thong) sandal we saw all day, which was undoubtedly this Jimmy Choo 100mm heel metallic gold version. We have a very good friend who just received his MBA, and even that curmudgeonly boy would have to admit that these qualify as a financial investment. $440 from net-a-porter

Trend of the Week: Embroidery

Embroidery: Just like crochet, but different. Similar in the way that you'll see an embroidered shirt and say, "Hold on, if my grandmother can do that, surely I could do that, and thus become top fashion designer." We actually bought this book and wound up, instead of becoming top fashion designer, producing several hundred desperately unnecessary embroidered pin cushions. But onward and upward.

3J Workshop is so great. They put traditional designs on things like shirts in a way that you could wear it to the office or something, but it's like on the borderlands between prim and hipster. Partly because it is so insanely lame that it's cool to have embroidered roses on your shirt. Maybe it's the cap sleeves that save this one from Laura Ashley-dom. But this online from Neiman Marcus for $150, or if you're in New York, Otte has a great selection — 218 Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg or 121 Greenwich Avenue in Manhattan.


God knows we have our choice of embellished tunics this summer, so we'll just say that this option from Joie is yellow, almost gold, and we are attracted to gold, sparkly things. On sale for $81.


This Jacquard Day tank from Anthropologie is so adorable. Love the waist and please note the gorgeous embroidered detailing. $49.95


These are so adorable, we could puke — like, they'd be required attire at an overly adorable baby shower. But worn with a harder-edged top, something, you know, structural and Japanese, and we'd be quite happy with them, indeed, as long as we were nowhere in the vicinity of rain, mud, dust, or children with chocolate ice cones. Lulu Guinness Pollen and Nectar flat, on sale for $119.95

Thong of the Morning: Antik Batik

You know how people go on these impromptu trips to Jamaica or the Bahamas and come back with these [spray-on] tans, ankle bracelets, and braids? And they're white, and you're like, you are so ridiculous in braids? But, just a tiny little bit, you're thinking, that ankle bracelet isn't entirely disgusting, unlike the braids? These Antik Batiks solve the ankle bracelet problem. It's like the thong has forced you into wearing an ankle bracelet, so you can enjoy the benefits without looking like you actually meant to be wearing an ankle bracelet. Does anyone else share our bizarre ankle bracelet phobia?

"Antik Batik Venus sandal thongs," $160

Thong of the Morning: Moschino Cheap and Chic

We love these because they seem so rustic — like, if you were the Spanish virgin our friend, whom we will term Virgin-Lover, is sure to find, romance, and marry on his Spanish holiday, you would totally be wearing these, because you would actually be a quite seasoned Madrileno who dresses in Moschino Cheap and Chic and Prada and is better at appearing to be a Spanish virgin than actually remaining a Spanish virgin. Just rustic enough to suggest the virgin thing, but totally knowing and sophisticated to tip to the fact you totally get around. Is that too much metaphor for the morning? Er, maybe.

Moschino Cheap and Chic knotted leather flat sandals, $215