Introducing: Jocasi bags

We haven't always loved handbags. Instead of handbags, we would put all of our things into our pockets, or, even better, plastic grocery store bags. This is true. How many times did we go into our office with a Borders bag containing our wallet, hat, mitten (singular), about-to-disappear Metrocard, WWII history book we will never finish, and a half-eaten banana? Many, many times.

This, however, is only because we did not, previously, have access to Jocasi bags. We love them because they are in nice shapes, aren't too small (the better to accommodate various fruits and Diet Cokes and ice cream bars and things), come in nice colors, and are made of the softest, nicest leathers, like they have been marinading the cows in sorbet. Oh, that's gross. But still. They are really soft. But they are not lame: They are — we regret saying this, almost — a little rock 'n' roll. It's true, though. Not in an annoying way. In a way that says, "I could be one of those girls who dances on top of the car in Warrant videos if I wanted to, but I'm so much more content with my career as an astronaut." Even better, they have a special eBay outlet where we Americans — or, indeed, anyone without access to Top Shop — can purchase them, or just go back to blaec for their inventory.

Above, the Jocasi Studded Doctor Bag, $167, at Blaec.

Drew Barrymore in Vogue, Part 2.

Is there anyone who truly, honestly thinks the Drew Barrymore photos in Vogue are any good? Please. We want to hear from you. You do not need to leave your name, but you should leave your thoughts, because we just think this is so bad. And why do we think this, you ask? Because the photographer, whom we otherwise consider to be a genius, not that she cares what we think, seems to have mis-boiled the essence of Drew. Is the essence of Drew a world-weary heiress presiding over a collection of masked violin players? As she plans how to include more fiber in her diet? No. She should be shot on rollercoasters, in Santa Monica, upside-down, with sun in her hair. Drew's people love her because she is bubbly, and true, and apparently geniune. Not because she is constipated. And yet. These pictures. Would have us believe otherwise. Barf.

Where We're Shopping: Blaec Clothing

This started out as a post about our favorite London leather-handbag-maker, Jocasi — and we'll get to them soon enough. It's morphed, however, into a story about our new favorite online salesplace, blaec.com. They carry lots of brands we love (Jocasi, Mint, Theory), some we like (Development), and a few we will tolerate until they, and their Uggs-and-mini-skirt brethren, go away (Joe's Jeans). What is particularly handy is the way they show little showcase windows of dressed-up mannequins, thereby relieving the average shopper (and we are, tragically, average more than we'd like to admit) of having think and style oneself. Plus, there's a special sale rack, with things like Vince sheer crewneck sweaters for $72 instead of $92, which really isn't that spectacular of a sale, but every little helps, we suppose.

We would like to add that all social theory to the contrary, we are convinced that one day all shopping will be done online. Every Christmas, for instance, we swear we will purchase all of our presents online, and even though, every Christmas, we fail in this endeavor and spent the three days prior to Christmas at the nearest mall and Best Buy, we maintain this position. Once we can figuer out how to convince all of our friends to come to our apartment, rather than meeting them at bars, we will never have to go outside again ... except to meet the UPS guy with all our lovely packages.

The only caveat is that some of the nicest stuff is sold out. Aggravating. That's a Mint muslin belted blazer ($285) and a Mint decorated silk blouse, $190. Both in stock, conveniently.

Spreading Fashion Trends Worldwide: Introducing the Chav

In honor of the recent birth of Posh Spice's third child, we present an overview of the uniquely British fashion \\ cultural subgroup known as Chavs.

For an immediate image of Chavdom, picture Posh Spice, above, with her oversized sunglasses and tracksuit. Believe it or not, people in the media and the culture at large still care about this woman — what she thinks, wears and does — if not here in the U.S., then in other ostensibly modernized countries, like Great Britain. Can you imagine? Lunacy! But then, as long as Newlyweds appears in repeats on MTV, we have nothing to say about that.


Chav necessity #1: The tracksuit, here by Juicy, of course. Hoodie, $88

Chavs are defined by UrbanDictionary.com thusly:

Emerging British subculture which is quickly becoming an epidemic. Appearance: Chavs have a strict dress code. Designer labels are everything, although knocked off/fake items are derigeur. Typically, the male chav will wear baggy tracksuit trousers, white designer trainers, and a baseball cap by Burberry or Nike. The female chav (chavette) will have peroxide blonde hair scrunched so tight into a pony tail with colourful scrunchies that her forehead stretches. She will wear a dark blue tracksuit with white stripes, an enormous puffa jacket, hoop earrings, and white trainers. Female chavs are forbidden from wearing socks, and all chavs must wear as much fake gold jewellery as they can fit on their bodies. Mobiles are an added status symbol, and when equipped, the chav must shout into it in the most anti-social way possible, using at least one expletive and the word "innit" per second.

Burberry cannot be pleased about this.


Chav necessity #2: Burberry something. But not Burberry Prorsum or something cool — it must be all Burberry check, all the time, and nothing else will do. Burberry check + pink = Chavette heaven. $159

Unbelievably, we Americans produce our own Chavs, even if they don't know it. These include Nicky Hilton in mini-skirts and thigh-boots; any starlet in Juicy Couture trackpants, oversized sunglasses and big hoop earrings; the inventor of Von Dutch (a Chav favorite); and Madonna.


Chav necessity #3: Oversized sunglasses. These are Christian Dior, though for a true Chav, any designer brand will do — as long as they're oversized and not so good at, like, actually shielding your eyes from the sun. $269

Further research: "Why I'm Proud to Be a Chav" from the Times of London (natch). Includes a handy "Chav Chic" list: Burberry, Kappa (no idea what that is), Mochino, Versace jeans, adidas, Lacoste, Hackett (ditto), Le Coq Sportif

Be the first in your state to channel Chav-ness today! It's not too soon to be extremely ironic about this.


Chav necessity #4: Imitation gold hoop earrings. These are $12.50 from Kohl's, though a true Chav would probably just steal them. Speaking of, yesterday we saw a women at the grocery store stealing green beans and shoving them into her coat. We thought a: she is probably very hungry if she is stealing green beans, or a thrill-seeker likely to kill interlopers with some sort of hands of steel. And b: shoplifting is a lot easier than we thought.

Anyway, tomorrow our favorite non-Prada wedges.

Favorite Spring Strapless Dresses

Strapless dresses are our kind of dresses. Except for the constant boob-level rearranging, they're perfect: Just add a big necklace and go!

This is not our edgiest apparel collection ever, by the way. But hey, it's Easter.

Banana Republic makes the best strapless dresses. They bring us this gorgeous yellow one after bank-rolling Project Runyway this spring. We are very much heart-ing Banana Republic this spring ... even after those shite ads pooping all over our spring fashion magazines. $168


This Laundry by Shelli Segal — it's like the kind of dress you'd expect a stripper to wear at a club on an episode of C.S.I. Miami. But everybody needs a dress like that in their closet, no? $185


We love it when stars' ex-girlfriends go into fashion. Why not the foreign service? That would be so much more dramatic. The only one we pay any attention to is Shoshanna, probably because her (not-Jerry Seinfeld) husband is so rich she'll only be doing this until she pops out a few heirs. Oh, we know, we know, she's a passionate designer. Saving D-cup girls from ignominy. Whatever. $349


This Carmen Marc Valvo is adorable and just this side of repetitive, what with all that all-the-stars-are-wearing-brown carping we've been seeing everywhere. $640


We don't know why they call it the "Dinner For Two" dress. Is there a pregnancy involved? But it's pink, and it's eyelet, and we're totally into it. $88

Debate: Ethereal or Constipated?

We were looking around for an online copy of the new Vogue, starring Drew Barrymore as the "Shape Issue" cover girl. This must be fashion's most backhanded cover compliment. It's seriously, like, the "Former Fatties" issue and there's always like two shots of Oprah, a few of a celebutante who took her time dropping baby fat ... and none of them much more than a size 10, in any case.

And sure, Drew Barrymore's made a cottage industry out of her adore-ability, but this Annie Leibovitz cover? Meh. You know she's at the shoot, thinking, Is this pose ethereal or constipated? Ethereal or constipated? And maybe there's this little interior commentary like, ooh, that lion's so big and scary, and I'm bewitched by his prowess but still sultry, and I am the heroine in unpublished Ernest Hemingway novel, Lady of the Lions. Sorry, but that raised eyebrow is all, I just pooped.

But looking around the cover image we found discussion boards proclaiming Drew's etherealness and general non-indigestion-problem-face. This is brainwashing, people. Bah.

Why We Hate These Bitches

This is a true story:

1. They're fascists. Once, we had a friend who worked at a major newspaper. This friend, whom we will call M., was aware of the fact that BS was a huge fan of What Not To Wear  —a huge, slobbering fan of several TV shows that she should not (Crossing Jordan, anyone?) but she dreamt of appearing on this one. Mostly she wanted the cash for the new clothes and also to be Susannah and Trinny's comic-relief figure, so as to procure own eponymous television adventure program.

So anyway, M. gives us a call and says her newspaper is doing a story on the Bs, and would she be interested in getting a make-over? Hells yeah, naturally. The fate of the cash was left undiscussed, but BS showed up at Bloomingdales in the most basic-y basics things she has: a striped cap-sleeve polo top, a denim skirt from Calvin Klein, and black flip-flops. All the the better to be showered upon with Marc Jacobs, we're thinking.

The Bs show up fifteen minutes late, wheezing from the strain of doing other publicity appearances. Immediately they set to work upon BS's thighs. "You're thick through here," one of them says. The other one pats us right above the knees. "This," she says, "is your problem area." "We don't think you should wear skirts," they say. BS plagued with flashbacks to tormented middle school career, when would waddle through hallways wearing red clown pants.

2. They're un-American. Not "un-American" in the stupid way, like they don't know what's happening on The O.C., but we have always thought that one of the best, like, national states of mind we have is that we don't give up, and we never surrender. (Is that from Rocky? Footloose? Churchill?) Churchill or not, the Bs are about giving up. Wouldn't it be nicer to hear: "Start running every day and you'll be back in mini-skirts in no time!" than "Slacks for you, pudding-ass"? Shame about that empire, you un-American giving-up bitches.

3. They have one sense of style. Print dress over brown trousers. This is how they dressed us, and this is exactly how one of the Bs was dressed. Ridiculous Mini Me element going on here.

4. Their whole philosophy is totally weird. Totally hiding-flaws-centric. Okay, sure, maybe we (Americans, we mean. Have no idea how this because nationalist rant) take it too far (ergo, La Swan) but anybody can be healthy and fit. If they're still short-waisted, okay, fine, but telling some pudding-assed hamster she can never wear skirts again seems severe and self-defeating.

5. They make their money being mean to other women. Once the reporter left, one of the Bs leans over and says, "You know, you're actually quite pretty." Whether this was a palliative so as to avoid murderous Bloomingdales rampage or equally possible weeping Bloomingdales sob is unknown. What is known is that their schtick is being bitches, and they're sticking to it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The print dress and brown trousers combo: now that's offensive.

6. We didn't get any money for the clothes. If we had, this column would probably have been titled "Why We Fucking Love These Awesome Gals."

>begin springsteen<
Cause we made a promise we swore we'd always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
>end springsteen<

Whoo! NASCAR! Yeah! Toby Keith!

A Fashion Break: The Funniest, Most Disgusting Thing We Have Ever Heard

This picture of Audrey Hepburn was the most graceful, elegant, beautiful image we could find online.

Think of it as a sleaze antidote as you listen to these spectacular voicemail messages, which might have been left for some woman by Hollywood shill and celebrity ass-licker Pat O'Brien, according to screenhead.com. Look about halfway down the column or just search for "O'Brien."

We've always found him extremely aggravating. Now we know it's because he's totally, totally icky. Allegedly.

It's a little off-topic, but we had to share.

Buy This Now: Roxy Luggage

We used to think of luggage like we thought of electric toothbrushes: unnecessary lifestyle indulgences. Was a regular toothbrush insufficient? We were, we must admit, our father's worst nightmare, dragging our belongings through LaGuardia in a Nike gym bag, sprinkling little bits of Bunnyshop-ness (forgotten magazines, bits of candy, disappearing credit cards) behind us like so many breadcrumbs. Because we just didn't want to spend any money on luggage. There were so many more important things to buy, like magazines and candy.

This changed one afternoon while waiting to board a Delta flight to Salt Lake City. We were checking our (gym) bag at the gate, and we watched as one of the Delta employees kicked our gym bag, the way he might a soccer ball, or a puppy — down a long chute, where it landed on the tarmac. "You've gotta be kidding me," we said. "Was that yours?" the young man replied.

We vowed, that day, to never surrender our H&M tank tops and Philosophy facial wash — and even our Nike gym bag — to such treatment ever again.

Now the sorrow of this posting is that between the time BS actually bought her own Roxy luggage and she wrote this up, she saw the new Roxy luggage — which is somehow even cuter, though more mod and less retro, than what we have here and aggravatingly not available for purchase online yet. But we love this all the same. Very similar to the luggage in the new Anthropologie catalogue, which apparently is vintage and isn't for sale in any case. Adorable, reasonably priced matching luggage — around $140 but we found it for $80 at a Quiksilver outlet. Leaving $$ for candy + magazines.

Headlines: More SJP \ JS news

- From the British tabloids, Sarah Jessica is pissed. They also call her a "Yummy Mummy." We find this annoying. Better than a MILF, however. Yummy Mummy > MILF. Feminism = totally not dead!

- In the new British Vogue, Joss lists Tom Cruise among her idols? That short, plastic, church-shill? Rock it, Joss!


- Apparently the Jenni Kayne show (above) was so excellent that Anthony Kiedis thought it'd be worth getting into a fight over. We don't entirely see the charm, but maybe Anthony was just having a menstrual day.

Our Indie Antidote to Yesterday's Designer Excess

We don't know what we were thinking yesterday, with all the Burberry. We make fun of people who wear Burberry. Even people who wear that beautiful plastic laminate red-print raincoat....

Anyway: These are our favorite spring accessories — generally within the economic reach of even the most student loan-cripped taxpayer.

La Voleuse makes the most clever things. They were making these handbags out of vintage books and ribbons, and they've stopped, though we wish they hadn't. We like these bags, too, though, with little jumping-rope girls in the plastic of the handle. $325, and in a not-pictured delectable yellow as well.


These shoes are hand-painted and have lyrics from Smiths songs on them. How fucking cool is that? $88.


We like words. Jewelry with words, t-shirts with words, furniture with words. We'll always be dorks. At this point, there's no struggling against it. $70.

Buy all three of the above at Virgin Threads, since the maker's websites don't have any shopping privileges.


Charms: We're pro-charms. We're anti-giving your jewelry company a name like "In God We Trust," because when your would-be fans try to find you online, they'll instead be redirected to like 3,000 Christian sites. Argh. This link takes you to TG-170's site, where you can order for $132.

Update: Where to Buy that Alice Temperley Dress

This is the only place in all of Internet-dom that appears to have it: eLuxury, for $1448. Er, fair enough. Did we mention we are only like three crochet lessons from being multi-millionaire crochet dress designer?

Something's Coming: Our Favorite Spring Accessories

Hallelujah. It's March 21. We're humming little bits of West Side Story, venturing outdoors, dialing down the Xanax. Because? It's spring. The best possible season. Notice how there are no tornadoes in spring? Blizzards? No. It's just lovely and perfect.

We're celebrating with a two-part accessories extravaganza. We're torn, as ever, between reliable stand-bys and the unexpected. Because, you know, sometimes the unexpected is bad. Plenty of bad things are unexpected, like hail storms and puking cats. But sometimes the unexpected pays off. And reliable stand-bys — sometimes they're just a big fucking sell out, right? Seriously, it's like when Bunnyshop was a wee bairn, and everyone in her middle school had to have a Coca-Cola rugby shirt, and if you had a Coca-Cola rugby shirt — well, you weren't necessary cool, but it did suggest you were not a total loser unaware of the Coca-Cola issue. (Don't get us started on how Louis Vuitton purses are Young America's answer to Coca-Cola rugby shirts, at an age by which we should know better.) So, we're going to rank each purchase on obviousness and sell-out-ness (slightly different categories; you'll see.)

We were so mind-blowingly excited about linking to new bags from Philippe Roucou but that French idiot hasn't updated his website since 2003 so there's not much we can do about it. The only place we've seen them online is on Yahoo's Japanese shopping site — which is sweet (if they like it in Japan, it must be cool) and sour (we can't read Japanese.) Sorry about mixing our Asian cuisine \\ ethnicity metaphors there. But seriously, it's the shittiest website ever, which is is a shame because his bags are beauuuuutiful. Supposedly you can buy them in New York here.

Moving on:

Bag: We love this bag, we love the car, we love the shape. MJ's Selma bag in Passion Fruit. Bunnyshop's birthday is coming up and could someone at Marc Jacob's please provide her with a discount? Obviousness: 9. Sell-out: 3.


Event shoes: Ah, these simply must be our spring sandals. Perfect for every last special-occasion we have been invited to and cannot lie our way out of. Burberry, $310. Obviousness: 8. Sell-out: 8.


Espadrilles: Out of the bazillions of espadrilles floating around, this MJ pair may be the only one we actually like — partly because that crazy cantilevered tie system actually looks like it might stand up to a ten-block walk without falling apart. Obviousness: 9.5. Sell-out: 5.


Flats: These "Giselle flats" are adorable. Do we need to say any more? Suede. Blue. $198. Obviousness: 4. Sell-out: 8.


Necklace: Just pretty. We're totally into pretty these days. And green. We're pretty sure we've been brainwashed by Elle. Obviousness: 2. Sell-out: 2. (We're going to give it an 8 for plainness, but sometimes things just need to be plain, right?) $88.


Raincoat: Here is such a sad story. We actually tried this raincoat on at a Burberry store. It was priced $145. Wow, we thought. That's not very much — but hey, it's plastic, how much could they want for plastic? $995, apparently. Idiot marked it wrong. Derr. Obviousness: 10. Sell-out: 10.

More tomorrow!

The Best of Boho Chic, at Prices No Actual Bohemian Could Afford

This is the conundrum: Now that everyone's biting her style, what's Sienna Miller going to do next? Is she going to start wearing hyper-sleek Dior Homme suits? Or is she the ’00s Diane Keaton, who's been mining that same sloppy-menswear vibe for thirty years?


While this dilemma plays itself out, let us present our favorite rich-boho, Talitha Getty-esque looks (that's Talitha above), at prices only trust-fund bohos could possibly afford. "Trust-fund bohos" sounds aggravating enough, and yet it doesn't even begin to encompass the Amex-black-card-ness of the Olsens twins. It's another conundrum: We're grossed out by billionaires slumming around the streets in rags and Balenciaga. We're bothered by the idea of a fashion-savvy blonde who landed Jude Law (even if he seems to have the sparkling personality of a muddy pond.). As much as we would like to resist this trend, we cannot avoid the inevitable: We like beaded tunics.

Moving on:

1. This is our favorite of nine billion embellished tunics currently flooding the market. The Capricorn sequined silk top, from Antik Batik. $308


2. Miu Miu's mirror embellished shantung baby-doll dress: Mirrors! Guaranteed to get people looking at your chest, if that's what you're going for. And who isn't? Not strictly boho, but ... mirrors! $850


3. That's a Cynthia Steffe crocheted skirt with beading embellishment. Ever say a word so many times that it stops making sense? That's how we're feeling about "embellishment." $285


4. Ethnic Jimmy Choo's — just right for when all we want to put on is a basic top and Levi's. Is it us, or does the Scoop model have monstrously long toes? $695


5. Could this Isabella Fiore bag be the bag of the summer? And are we any more than five crochet lessons away from being billionaire fashion designers? $425

Irony of the Week

Our kukui nut necklace, from ABC Stores, below: $6.99

Saks' kukui nut necklace, above: $125.00

Huh?

News Extra! Jesus Wins

France bans Girbaud's spring 2005 Last Supper-inspired billboard. "Tomorrow, Christ on the cross will be selling socks," says lawyer Thierry Massis, as reported by the BBC. Cashmere, we pray.

Winter: Over It

March: the endless month of crap weather and drunk people in green sweaters. Not down with it. So instead of going outside, where there is either rain or clouds or drunk people in green sweaters, we stay inside, on orbitz.com, trying to find ourselves a ticket to Hawaii. But until then, we endorse mail-order Hawaii — through the online home of ABC Stores, which is to Hawaii what Rite Aid :: Manhattan.

- Ridiculously retro and adorable "Sweet Kealoha Wiggly Hulla" dolls. $7.99


- Kukui nut necklaces: A statement necklace for the cost of a Frappuccino. Or less, depending on the whip cream situation. Seriously, Prada has something almost exactly like this for about 250X the price. $6.99


- A "plumeria floral hair pick" that looks cuter than it sounds. Easy-peasy Island-girl allure. Very Celine spring ’04. $4.99


- These hand \ body lotions are like the anti-Kiehl's. Not that we don't love Kiehl's, we do, but sometimes the sheer usefulness of it all drives us a little nuts. These just look a little more produced by some guy in a garage with a color label-printer, rather than a brand, huh? And strangely enough, that appeals to us right now. Like, not everything has to be generated by this hyper-sleek design brain? Coconut mango, Coconut guava, Pikake Jasime and Plumeria scents. $15.99

Today's Top Fashion Headlines

- Bijou Philips goes pop and Alex Wek goes splat! Models! Ha! The irony is that all this happened at the LA fashion week's runway-show pimping of the new PlayStation Portable, which we've heard from those in the know (read: v close gamer) that this is the most amazing thing since the iPod. We have no idea if that's true, but ... Alex Wek goes splat! Ha!


- Truth be told, we we never SATC girls, except for the clothes. The clothes we'd sleep with. The men were annoying. The ladies were ... sigh. But we have always loved the idea of SJP as a fashion icon: It's like, are you serious? The Square Pegs girl? With that nose? Have you seen the pilot SATC, with the pre-glam SJP, and the awful hair, and all that? It's proof that miracles happen, as long as there is a steady supply of Jimmy Choos and personal trainers. Bunnyshop loves nothing more than self-invention, and SJP is it. This is all why we are a little sad to hear Page Six report that the Gap has ditched SJP for 17-year-old British singer Joss Stone. We feel like we're a 55-year-old mom and our husband — whom, to be frank, represented a bit of a compromise — is leaving us for his marketing intern.

In apparently related news, Joss Stone's Janis Joplin medley with Melissa Etheridge is the #1 single on iTunes this afternoon.


- The debut of Bono's wife's fashion line, "Edun" — exclusively at Saks. Each pair of jeans is inscribed with the line: "We carry the story of the people who make our clothes around with us." Like our new knit hat that some coked-up Williamsburg hipster made so crappily it started unravelling two days after we bought it. We'd like to think her story involves puking all over her Prada handbag.

What We Have Learned From Fashion TV

Now available on many satellite providers here in the US!

1. Some models can speak four languages. We would like to think this is limited to "Where is my enema?" and "Where's the coke?" in English, Italian, French, and German.
2. Phoebe Philo is adorable but yet obsessed with scarves (see above, from the Celine spring show.)
3. Sometimes models have bad skin.



4. Lily Cole is an alien scout sent to evaluate the human race for possible colonization and impregnation with alien spore. Bad, Lily!
4a. See that sliver of redhead behind Alien Lily, from the Viktor & Rolf show? That's Tori Amos. Didn't know she was so style-y. But what's with the V&R Tilda Swinton-inclusive redhead obsession?
5. That, we, too, could open an authentic FTV MODELSHOOL as long as we: (a) have experience in the model business (sure!); (b) access to the Internet (no problem!); and (c) a clean police record and no previous problems relating to bad conduct (absolutely!).

What Bjork Has Been Up To, In Case You Were Wondering

Was asking all her weird shut-in fans to make remixes of Army of Me, which she would then repackage into a tsunami-charity-fund-raising event! Who knew?

Buy it here, in a bit, but not until Bjork says so, because she remains strange and Icelandic. In the meantime, listen to little pieces of accordion bits, harps, and "industrial," as we've heard it described, here, where you click on the Jonathan Ross program. Then you need to advance it to 2:30 into the show, which in any case is very funny British radio without resorting to endless lesbian-boob-gay jokes like our other favorite DJ.

By the way, is Jack Johnson Week on K-Rock a joke? Don't get it.

Aggravating Gadget of the Week

Diane von Furstenberg = annoying. Diane von Furstenberg cell phones from Samsung = Extremely. Un. Necessary.

Here is a quote from the site hawking the phones, concerning the schwag-fest where celebrities pimped themselves for a free phone \\ drinks \\ appetizers: "VIPs and young Hollywood abound [sic] flocked to the Lounge at Astra West in Los Angeles and to Henri Bendels in New York to get a sneak peak at the 'couture' phone." That doesn't even make any sense. Abound? What? Translation: "We gave people with tons of money free shit so it'll show up in Us Weekly and convince you to, you know, spend your own cash that you actually earned, probably doing something extremely un-glamorous involving paper cuts and Xeroxing, on this ridiculously ugly phone." Barf!

Buy This Now: Luxe Jewels Kits

Keeping with this week's DIY theme — DIY blackberry-tuna fish mousse, DIY Alice Temperley dresses — we bring you DIY jewelry from designer Maya Brenner. Maya Brenner makes beautiful, precise little things, but Bunnyshop is not so modest that she has never thought she could, perhaps, become top jewelry design person. Also astronaut, web designer, and Olympic swimmer. But first things first, and our jewelry design career will begin with Ms. Brenner's Luxe Jewels kit. And this! Perfect for St. Patrick's Day: Swarovski crystal and sterling silver charm bracelets. The skill level is beginner, the tools required are needle-nose pliers and wire cutters, the cost involved is $40. Next: astronaut classes!

Join Us In Our Quest: The Karl Lagerfeld Diet

Here is an excerpt from the forthcoming Karl Lagerfeld Diet book.

Q: Do you ever find yourself thinking about certain foods you used to love, such as truffle sandwiches?
Lagerfeld: No.

Q: I notice that you are smiling. Why?
L: You see, I used to like the hot dogs and the crepes from the street vendors....

How could we not join in this great insanity? Today marks the first day of the Karl Lagerfeld diet for Bunnyshop. This is approximately eight weeks prior to the book's official US release, so we will have excellent commentary for our fellow book-buyers by then. Anyone else who wishes to accompany us on a journey filled with life, laughter, and tuna-blackberry mousse pies, let us know and we'll make sure you have all the information you need.

Commercial Break: Banana Republic

Full disclosure: Bunnyshop has, in her wallet, a Banana Republic Luxe card. She is such a sucker for buying things at astronomical interest rates that the providers of this credit card upgraded her to a "Luxe" card, a.k.a. the "Easily Influenced" card. So she likes Banana Republic. So very much. What she does not like, very much at all, is their barfy new ad campaign, littering all of her spring fashion magazines. Blah, blah, he couldn't speak French, but whatever? He ate oysters, blah blah? They're almost as bad as the yuppie asswipe festival that is the Claire Forlani one that kept interrupting Project Runway. Yuppie bought his yuppie girlfriend plane tickets! Whoo! Barf. Barf. Barf. Even that revolting tooth something one, where the girl can't stop talking about the "pink in the sink" [vomit] isn't quite as revolting.

We Want to Be: Alice Temperley

It's not that we want to be British and dress Kate Winslet, exactly — it's that we want to make loads of money doing something our grandmother does! Namely, crochet!

We've seen this Alice Temperley dress in half a dozen magazines. It's excellent. And it's crocheted. Which, as we mentioned, is a skill our grandmother has mastered. Which means we could likely master it as well. Which is why the today's purchase is:


You know how much the AT dress retails for? A lot. We're convinced we're about three weeks of intensive work (with this helpful book) away from mastering the craft. Now, crochet will likely be added to the many other vocations we've [briefly] explored, like stained glass and cooking employing methods other than microwaving. But hope: it springs eternal, and we know it's possible that we, too, could be crochet masters, make gorgeous dresses, sell them for thousands of dollars, and pay off our student loans. (And buy a Saab convertible.) Dare to dream, no?

Our First Contest! The Newlyweds Marriage Death Pool

It's not that we take pleasure in the suffering of celebrities ... it's that we do when it's Jessica Simpson!

Which is why we introduce the Jessica Simpson \ Nick Lachey marriage death pool. We were going to open it up to other pop stars-turned-designers, but (a) we can't muster the energy to care about Jennifer Lopez and her bizarre telenovela existence, and (b) we'd actually be a little sad if Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale broke up.

So make your vote known, and e-mail us or post your chosen date in the comments section! We're looking for the date that either member files for divorce, rather than the date the divorce is finalized, or the date some PR flack coughs it out to Us Weekly. The winner gets her (or his) choice of the JS-endorsed "Treats Deliciously Kissable Plumping Lip Candy." Even the name doesn't make any sense.

We're actually so much more disturbed by Paris Hilton, but it's hard to pinpoint the date someone fades into, say, total obscurity.

Buy This Now: Sex Stars of ’76

Surely somebody has to have a dirty younger brother who'd be ecstatic to receive this limited-edition t-shirt designed by the endlessly hip design team of Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid. Paint-by-numbers Playboy bunnies! On a gold-on-black t-shirt! What could we possibly add to that? $65.

Reader Question! Metallic Hobos

Proof we have readers, and questions — a terribly exciting mix!

Anyway, the question:
dear god talk me out of a sequin gold hobo bag.

Well, the question we will extrapolate from this, er, statement is:

What are some very exciting metallic hobo bags?

That is a question we are delighted to answer! We think metallic hobos are just the right amount of metallic — like a little bit of gold sandal peeking out under jeans.

Our top five selections. We must say we looked at possibly 3,000,000 we thought were just ... a little much.

Jana Feifer spring hobos. Available in bazillion colors, but we're drawing the line at green metallic. We're still a little scared of that. But this is v. Studio 54 without also being overly coked up. Far and away our favorite — we're totally into the mesh. $196.


These were advertised alongside a picture of Hilary Duff holding something similar. We will not hold that against the bag. "Leatherette" exterior but what do you expect for $29.95?


G-Series from Cole Haan. Love the subdued white leather trim and quilting. $225.


Okay, we're definitely including this more as a talking point than a ... suggestion, per se. Question: Could the Juicy brand be any more annoying? If the words were stripped off this metallic green bag, would we like it more? $255.

Store Adored: Maleeka Sami

Here is the thing about writing about a store we recommend to our many readers, of many nations, including the Brooklyn nation: It helps to provide, say, an address, or a telephone number, or perhaps the correct spelling of the boutique. So it is with a certain amount of hesitation that we recommend the Maleeka Sami boutique on Brooklyn's Atlantic Avenue. We hesitate not because of their stock, which is genius. We hesitate because we are not entirely sure how to find it.

There is supposed to be a website at maleekasami.com, which appears not to be. The store is somewhere on Atlantic Avenue, between Fourth Avenue and Court Street, which BK fans will know is a span of approximately three-quarters of a mile. (We can say with confidence, however, that it is on the north side of the street.) And there's no phone number listing in directory assistance.

If it weren't snowing, BS would just walk down there and solve these many mysteries ... but it snows. So we will just talk about our favorite piece! The Lorelei eelskin clutch — so sleek, so smooth, so green, and so on sale! $110 from $180.

Everything in the story is brilliantly colorful — Indian couture. The walls are red, or pink. There are lots of sequins. We can't believe it hasn't already appeared in Lucky. It probably will be soon, so get there quick before all the super sale items have disappeared.